


they'll die or leave you, either way

by Princex_N



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Angst, Anxiety, Conversations, Depression, Friendship, Gen, Isolation, Miscommunication, Self-Esteem Issues, Social Anxiety, Social Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-13
Updated: 2018-07-13
Packaged: 2019-06-09 16:45:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15271875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princex_N/pseuds/Princex_N
Summary: Dirk accidentally mutes Jane's messages without meaning to.It takes him three days to notice.





	they'll die or leave you, either way

**Author's Note:**

> only a non-sburb au because of the implications that dirk has interacted with other humans before 
> 
> Also, me? Venting through Dirk?? It's more likely than you think.

It takes you three days to notice. 

You'd meant to only mute the chat logs of the handful of clients that you've managed to scrounge up, who have an annoying tendency to pester you constantly about the progress of your work on their coding. As much as you can appreciate the need to stay up to date on your commission, it's beginning to get to the point where they're keeping you from working. Rather than go through the process and probable arguments, it's easier to just mute them and apologize for the absence after the work is done. 

The problem is that you'd accidentally muted Jane as well. 

It takes you three days to notice. 

Jane doesn't message you _every_ day, but she is one of your chattier friends, and it's pretty unusual for you to not hear from her for a long period of time. You go to check if she's online, and realize that you've muted her on accident, and that she's messaged you several times in your absence. None of the messages sound upset, but you know that she sometimes gets nervous if you go radio silent without letting her know (which... might be warranted), so you're definitely going to have to apologize. It was your fuck up after all. 

It's just that... messaging people first is hard. 

You are good at replying. You aren't so good at coming up with things to say first. 

But it's Jane, and you like her, and you don't want her to worry, and she deserves an apology. So you're going to have to suck it up and do your best, and hope for the best. 

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]:

TT: Hey.  
TT: Sorry about the lack of messages. I accidentally muted your account when I was muting annoying clients.  
TT: Total mistake. Sort of dick move. Will definitely avoid making similar mistakes in the future.  
TT: Hope I didn't miss anything important.  
GG: No worries! Just would have appreciated a heads up.  
GG: But, you know you don't have to wait for me to message you, right? You don't only want to talk to me when I message you first, right?

You might sort of feel your heart stutter in your chest before it sinks straight down into your stomach.

You fucked up. 

You knew that Jane wasn't stupid, and that she probably wasn't going to  _miss_ the fact that you rarely (if ever) message her first. You'd just sort of hoped that she'd gained the ability to read your mind and understood why you didn't. Obviously, that isn't the case, because that isn't how human beings and their relationships work. 

You really never do fucking learn. 

Your hands are stalled on the keyboard, and your mind is absolutely blank. This feels like an important time sensitive conversation that you definitely need to have and you have absolutely no idea what the hell you're supposed to say. 

Alright. Step back, assess. What's the most concerning. The implications. You hadn't meant to imply anything, especially not something so negative. Address that. 

TT: Definitely not my intention to imply that I didn't want to talk to you. But I can see where you're coming from. Sorry. I'll definitely try to do better.

Apologizing is important. Use the word 'try' because you can't guarantee that you'll be successful, don't make promises that you're only destined to break. It's a safe message. Probably. 

GG: Well, don't stress yourself out about it. :B  
GG: You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to!!!

You made it worse. Fuck. Of course you did. 

Your breath is coming in sharp pants from your upper chest, and you make an effort to stop that does very little. You can count the number of friends that you have on one hand, you can't afford to lose any more.

(You never deserved to have them in the first place)

You have to fix it, but you don't know how. People don't  _want_ you to take an active role in relationships. You're annoying, you're smothering, you can't take a hint. When people stop messaging you, it's because they don't want to be around you anymore. You're toxic. It's safer to only speak when spoken to, limit your words and play it safe. Hope that you'll be able to keep this friendship for longer than the others. 

You don't think you've ever actually had a fight with a friend before. Your relationships never progressed far enough for that sort of thing to happen. Or, if you did do something wrong, the only way other people have responded is to cut you off. You're not even worth the energy to fight with. People leave you, that's how it works. They don't want you to message them first. 

Jane wants you to message her first. 

You don't know how to do that. 

Your only attempts to learn were rebuffed so thoroughly that you promised to never try again. 

And now it looks like your only choice is to try again. 

TT: It's not a hassle. I do want to talk to you.  
TT: I'm just... not good at initiating.  
TT: But you're my friend, and you're important to me, so I'll try.  
TT: It's not hard because it's you, it's hard because I'm me.  
TT: Sorry.

Avoid talking too much about yourself. Avoid being self-deprecating. People don't like hearing that, especially not when you're apologizing to them. Making it about you means that you're not being sincere, it means that they can't appreciate the apology because they're worried about making you feel better. That isn't what apologies are for. Stunted explanations are better than being self-centered. It's not about you. 

(Does it stunt your relationships to hold so much to your chest? Is it worse when you don't? You're always either too much or not enough, you can't seem to find a happy medium. People don't want to be around you, and you don't have to think too hard to know why.) 

You try to find something to occupy yourself as you wait for Jane's reply. Too anxious about the possibility of missing yet another one of her messages, you start to twist a knut restlessly on a screw, which is nothing productive at all. But you can't risk switching into another computer window and missing the message,  _nor_ can you risk starting to involve yourself in an offline project and risk becoming too focused to hear the notification. This is the only way to play it safe, while also keeping you from shredding the skin away from your fingernails. 

GG: Alright. I'll take your word for it!  
GG: Just let me know before you go quiet next time!

You can't tell if that's supposed to be serious or joking or passive aggressive. You don't know how to tell over text. You know that people don't tend to appreciate it if you ask those kinds of questions. You're oblivious. You're insensitive. You're...

Fuck. You want to be trying harder, but you don't know how. 

TT: Definitely not planning on it any time soon, but you will be the first to know.  
TT: So, how have you been?

It's a weak opening, but it's the only one you have. Opportunity to vent about the frustration that you caused more, or opportunity to switch the subject entirely and move onto something quieter and less charged. Safer. Is it the best move? You don't know, but it's the only move you have. 

GG: Pretty good, actually!!  
GG: Tried out a new recipe yesterday, and it turned out really well!!  
TT: Hell Yes.  
TT: What did you make?

You allow yourself to breathe out a sigh of relief, but you know that it's short lived. You're going to fuck up again, because you're  _you_. The only thing you've accomplished today is to push the blow out to a later date. You haven't fixed anything. 

But at least you have this. At least you have something. Just a little more time before the inevitable, when Jane logs off and stops messaging you and you have to add her name to the list of all the others that you've lost over the years. 

But for now there is this. And you'll take whatever it is that you can get. 

**Author's Note:**

> am i an asshole or just broken
> 
> good music/video to pair with this fic is the official video for Keaton Henson's[ "Earnestly Yours"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvr7T4sfads)


End file.
